January 2011: I Captured A Booby!

Happy New Years!

Yes, it's a couple of days before Jan 1, but since I often put up posts after the 1st of the month I thought I would balance the force by posting early.

Sometimes in life you see shit that is funny and think "boy, golly, sure wish I had a picture of this to show someone else!" Well, from now on, we're going to get pictures.  And I'll start by uploading 3 of my recent favorites.

If you have/find good pics of funny stuff to send, just email them to me.  If they're funny (and real) I'll put them up here.  If they're funnier (and realer) than my pics here, I'll send you a $20 gift card.  Serious.

Just click my profile to get my email and send a jpg along with a story to explain where you saw it. "It" referring to whatever is in your picture.  Sorry, I realized that I ended that last sentence not good.  Shit!  Did it again!)

And don't try and send me something you dig up off the internet.  Trust me, I'll know if it's from the interweb.  I have actually scoured the entire internet and got to the end of it.  I can prove it because I saw this sign:

That being said, here are 3 awesome true-life pics.

#1 (Thanks, Krust!)

#2 (Thanks to Leetos for taking this picture for me!)

#3 While playing super-addictive brain games on http://www.lumosity.com/, I had to capture this screen image.  Indeed, website.  Indeed.

Happy New Year!

Peace out, girl scouts.

Caleb

Added Pics: 


#4 Thanks, Turtlegrl!  Technically this is from the (awesome) website: passiveaggressivenotes.com, but it's still worthy of entry.  Heh heh.... "worthy of entry."

December 2010: Name That Pervert!

'Ello Mates,

On my other blog I have shared with you the fantastic site, "Name of the Year." They pit the best (read: craziest) names -all verified as real- against each other each year in an NCAA-style bracket.  Check it out here.

As you would correctly assume, many of the names they collect are very, very dirty.  I've collected my 10 favorite dirty names from the site to share with you, and invite you to add any names of people you actually know.

For example, I work with a fellow named "Dick Burns."  True story.

Here, in no particular order, are the 10-perviest names in existence:

1. Dr. Speedy Nutz

2. Pamela Balls Organista

3. Charity Beaver

4. Doby Crotchtangle

5. Princess Nocandy

6. Gordon Cobbledick

7. Fuk King Kwok

8. Gay Straite

9. Gay Horney

10. Chinny Offor

And one special shout-out to one of my all-time favorites (and winner of
the 2004 NOTY competition):

Jew Don Boney Jr.

Merry Christmas, all!  May your stockings get stuffed and your milk be drank!

Caleb "yeah, I said that." Shreves

November 2010: Dirty Law

Yo.

Check out this class gift from the 2010 Brooklyn Law students to themselves.

Sometimes I feel like I'm all alone in the "everything sounds dirty to me" world.  Not so.  While it appears an entire class of supposedly intelligent people thought that this motto was appropriate, there was at least one person who had the innuendo wherewithal to point out the obvious phallic overtones of this sign.

I think that I may just print out a few dozen "that's what she said" signs and have them handy for occasions just like this.  In fact, maybe a business card sized message would be more convenient.  I could just go around all day, and whenever I hear or see a blatant innuendo offense I could either hand the person the card or paste it up near the offending sign.  What say you?  Good idea?

I could create my own line of cards and sell them to trained innuendo-spotters.  Maybe offer a course first.  Lots of ideas here. 

On a related note, I'd like to mention that several of my friends who ordinarily do not have dirty minds have all started watching what they say. 

One friend: "my arm is getting stronger all the time; I just have to keep playing with it and build up endurance.  Caleb, let it go."  She said that last bit before I could even chime in with anything!

Another blogger: "... my nerdy habits [that include] partitioning my hard drive- and no, perverts, that's not some dirty innuendo!"  Good catch.  And that was a bit of a difficult innuendo.

I postulate that it doesn't take a lot of people to be trained in innuendo-ery.  (awesome word Caleb! Thanks, Caleb!)  One person can affect the habits of dozens of their family and friends!

So keep on keepin' on, pervs.  I love you all.

Caleb "insert witty thing here" Shreves

October 2010: Dirty Coffee

All right- I'm a little late.  Fuck off.

You know I love the Keurig coffee-maker.  If you don't have one, go get one.  Anyway, when I try new coffees I like to read their descriptions on the keurig website.  Because I'm a savvy shopper?  Fuck no. Here's what you do: pretend that, instead of coffee, the descriptions are from girls that just gave a BJ:  Here's a few samples:

"This flavor is wonderful. Just what is needed as the weather gets a little colder. What a pick me up!" [Indeed it is...]

• Attractive Mouthfeel/Body
• Exceptional/Interesting Flavor
• Pleasing Aroma
• Smooth Taste 

"vey wonderful with a real cream creamer.. taste just a liquid Pumpkin pie. I love it and this has become Hubby's favorite out of all flavors."  [The hubby likes it too?  You guys must have a special relationship.]

"My favorite to wake up with each morning."  [Me too?]

 "Solid blend. Just enough flavor and NO bitter after taste. Very smooth!" [Girls hate bitter aftertaste, right?]

"I did not enjoy this at all. I will admit I have had worse, but if you are like me and like somethings on the bold side, do not get this. I let my wife try it because she does not like the bold stuff and she even said it tastes like water. It has zero flavor. If you like drinking hot water I recommend this to you."   [Man- you gotta have some pride in your stuff!]

"Got this for my mother. This is all she will drink. She would highly recommend it."  [Um... Merry Christmas?]

You get the drift. Check it out!  Great way to kill a half-hour.

Caleb out.

September 2010: The Government And Their Hot Packages

Pervs,

Well, it's September, which means the Government is busy ramping up their end-of-the-year budget deadlines (Government fiscal year ends in October).  With the increased email traffic going around, I thought it a good idea to dedicate September's post to the constant stream of entendres (that's not 'entendru' btw) that spew forth from the Government.

Got one of my favorites today.  This is an ACTUAL EMAIL forwarded out to hundreds, maybe thousands of Government employees today.  Not making this up:

"All,
Please make every effort to get your packages (the ones that will become HOT tomorrow) into the front office today!

Thanks."

True story.  My friend claims that she will now be referring to her "hoo-hah" as "the front office."

Second, there is a new system coming to our installation soon.  They have big electronic signs up with helpful "words of the day" to get ready for the system's deployment.  The word of the day last week?  "Backflushing." 

Right.

Third: As you probably know, the Government is fond of acronyms (VLIPS probably comes to mind as a favorite).  They have a new one that is my current favorite:  MUFFIN.  Seriously.  And, to top it off, if you're having problems accessing MUFFIN, you can call the MUFFIN hotline.

Yes, we will be drunk dialing the MUFFIN hotline very soon.


"Hi, MUFFIN hotline.  How can I help you?"
"Yes, um, have you seen The Man?"
"The man?"
"Yes- the MUFFIN man.  He lives on Drury lane."

August 2010: BJ Fans Can't Be Wrong

Pervs,

I thought to myself  "hey buddy- it's August now.  Why don't we surf a bit and look for some good material to kick this month off?"

So I did.  Clicked on some random blog... guess what came up? (heh heh)

"Bj fans, can't be wrong"

 And the best part?  It's not even a post or part of a site, it's THE NAME OF THE BLOG!

Sweet.

And, I can't disagree.  Let the August good times roll!

Caleb "I'm a fan!" Shreves

 PS Here's the web address for the BJ site.  Bonus!  http://bj-fans.blogspot.com/?expref=next-blog 

July 2010: Crabb and Cox

 *Added 7/8/10
 Possibly the best headline ever written:


"Tired Gay succumbs to Dix in 200 meters"

True story.

I was sent the following article from the Clinton paper. Hilarious and inappropriate. I thought "man, this would make a great ITYM post!" and then realized that today was, in fact, July 1st!

Let's get 'er rolling! Here is a clipping from today's paper:

CLINTON, Iowa — A Clinton man has been charged with a felony after he allegedly hit a neighbor in the head with a cooking pan during an altercation.


Police were called to an apartment building at 143 6th Ave. S. at 6:30 p.m. Saturday and found Dewey Cox, 40, passed out on the floor of his apartment with blood on his face and head, according to court records.


A witness told police Cox and his neighbor,  Todd A. Crabb, 47, were drinking in Cox’s apartment when Crabb became upset with Cox, grabbed a metal pan off the stove and hit Cox on the head with it. Cox then hit Crabb back, and the two continued to fight in the hallway of the apartment building in front of other residents, according to court records.


Crabb also resisted police who tried to place him under arrest, according to court records.


Cox was taken to Mercy Medical Center in Clinton. Hospital staff told police Cox may have suffered a brain injury, and he was transferred by helicopter to University Hospitals in Iowa City. No information about his condition was available Tuesday.


Crabb was charged with willful injury, a Class C felony, and interference with official acts and disorderly conduct, both simple misdemeanors. He was being held Tuesday in the Clinton County Jail on $10,000 bond.

Cox and Crabb Appliances?

Crabby Cox heating and air conditioning?

Crabb, Cox, Swallows attorneys at law?

Thanks, life!

Let's do it.

June 2010: PlugThat Hole, Mr. President!

As you know, fellow 7th-grade-humor-perverts, our nation has a hole.
It's a massive hole. And, sadly, this hole is leaking. This nation is
watching helplessly as our wetlands are slowly covered in the sticky goo
that is gushing out of our massive hole, but so far we haven't even had
a little success in plugging our hole. Whether this gushing-hole
disaster was caused by man or merely an accident of God, we have spent
too much of our time pointing fingers at each other and at the hole
instead of figuring out whose responsibility it is to get way deep down
in there and put something in that hole to plug it up.

I was watching the news (okay, reading about it) and saw that this
hole-crisis has become our nation's top story. CBS's Chip Reid began
his evening report by saying, "Well, Harry [Smith], if there's one thing
the President made clear today it's that pressure to plug that hole is
coming from everywhere."

Is it ever. Chip Reid was referring to a portion of a press conference
yesterday in which President Obama said:

"Malia knocks on my bathroom door and she peeks in her head and she
says: 'Did you plug the hole yet, daddy?'"

Yes. Yes, she said it. And yes, he repeated it. Does the President
need the list? Any day now I'm expecting a call from the Obama
administration offering me the position of chief
innuendo-filterer-outer. Though I'm sure those guys will think of a
classier title than that, the basic premise of the job should be clear:
read through every speech, memo, email, etc. that the administration
sends out to make sure phrases like "did you plug the hole yet" are not
uttered without at least a fair amount of self-awareness.

Let the month begin!

May 2010: Spreading, Keeping It Up, and Trotting Bareback

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Welcome aboard. Together we'll be taking a journey through the web, combing it for the most ridiculous innuendos we can find. This week officially starts on Monday, May 24th, but who's counting? We'll start each month off with a few gems, add to the list as we find them, and vote for the best-of-the-month "that's what she said" award.

Let's get to it, shall we?

It took me approximately 30 seconds to find the first three phrases for this week. The first two are decent (though all the more powerful when given their completely innocent source) but the third one was absolutely rancid. I seriously had to spend five minutes picking my favorite phrase off of this blog; go check it out!

Remember, these are all real (I'll quote sources), quoted exactly and without editing, and meant COMPLETELY innocently. Go!

#1: "because honestly, i work better spreading everything out." --
http://mermaid085.blogspot.com/?expref=next-blog

#2: "I really can't believe I've kept it up for so long, it's almost
shocking :)" -- http://marnesblog.blogspot.com/?expref=next-blog

#3: "Hopefully he won't be lame anymore. Right now his stride is pretty
short and choppy. He's not totally lame or anything, just... Off. :-/
So, I've just been riding him lightly lately. Just walking and trotting
a little bareback, because he'll get totally out of shape if I just give
him time off for too long." --
http://stewylydia.blogspot.com/?expref=next-blog

Keep em coming!

Danger