Friday, May 28, 2010

June 2010: PlugThat Hole, Mr. President!

As you know, fellow 7th-grade-humor-perverts, our nation has a hole.
It's a massive hole. And, sadly, this hole is leaking. This nation is
watching helplessly as our wetlands are slowly covered in the sticky goo
that is gushing out of our massive hole, but so far we haven't even had
a little success in plugging our hole. Whether this gushing-hole
disaster was caused by man or merely an accident of God, we have spent
too much of our time pointing fingers at each other and at the hole
instead of figuring out whose responsibility it is to get way deep down
in there and put something in that hole to plug it up.

I was watching the news (okay, reading about it) and saw that this
hole-crisis has become our nation's top story. CBS's Chip Reid began
his evening report by saying, "Well, Harry [Smith], if there's one thing
the President made clear today it's that pressure to plug that hole is
coming from everywhere."

Is it ever. Chip Reid was referring to a portion of a press conference
yesterday in which President Obama said:

"Malia knocks on my bathroom door and she peeks in her head and she
says: 'Did you plug the hole yet, daddy?'"

Yes. Yes, she said it. And yes, he repeated it. Does the President
need the list? Any day now I'm expecting a call from the Obama
administration offering me the position of chief
innuendo-filterer-outer. Though I'm sure those guys will think of a
classier title than that, the basic premise of the job should be clear:
read through every speech, memo, email, etc. that the administration
sends out to make sure phrases like "did you plug the hole yet" are not
uttered without at least a fair amount of self-awareness.

Let the month begin!


  1. "The head of my broom is 2 inches thick, and the bristles are 7 inches long."


    I can't decide whether "head," "broom," "thick," or "# inches" makes this decidedly phallic. Either way, 2 inches with 7 inch bristles is pretty rough. I know a guy like that.

  2. "I had to keep a good eye on him so he wouldn't eat the beauty bark - he did eventually get a piece in there and I had to dig it out of his mouth. Well, let's just say that his teeth hurt me and he has more than I thought he had."


    Beauty bark? For serious?

  3. "Sending it tomorrow. Dirt and all. Kinda lazy, don't feel like washing it. Please report when received."

    Sorry Stone! You tried to get that one past me, but my hyper-sensitive innuendo filter picked it up!

    Well played.

  4. "His comment, “And sometimes 2 more inches isn't that significant but if you can get away with eight inches, you don’t need ten.” "


  5. "We watched as others approached the box, trying to discern what they were intended to do. There were instructions nearby, but it’s amazing how few people read them."


    I know what to do with it! Pick me, pick me!

  6. Yahoo report today:

    --'Glee' star demonstrates hidden talent

    Chris Colfer, the show's soft-spoken tenor, can do much more than sing and dance. Just hand him some swords

    If you're not familiar, he's the super gay one.

    Yeah, just hand him some swords and stand back!!


  7. Yahoo Report Today:

    'Glee' star demonstrates hidden talent

    Chris Colfer, the show's soft-spoken tenor, can do much more than sing and dance. Just hand him some swords.

    If you don't watch the show, he's the super-duper gay one.

    Just give him a sword and stand back!


  8. "I cant wait to play with it more after this party busi­ness passes through."


    Why wait? Maybe they wanna play too!


    Seriously. Best ITYM post EVER.

  10. Had a fantastic conversation with an oblivious older lady yesterday about drilling holes in bowling balls for left-handers.


    Drilling, Balls, Holes- it was a heyday for yours truly!

    I'm evil.


    I'm going with Stone Fox, who went to type in her verification words and found "Moaned" and "Cream."

    Way to go, Google!

  12. Most men love plugging a hole. I'm surprised this has been such a problem so far.

  13. I hear they're just going to put a wedding ring around it. Then it'll stop putting out.