Friday, March 4, 2011

March 2011: I'll Try Your Meat

Yeah, I'm a bit late.  Fuck off.

Wait, wait.  Come back.  That was harsh, I know.  Let me start over?  I can haz do-over?

Ok.  I apologize for being a few days late.  It wasn't intentional; I was just struggling to think of what I wanted to focus on in March.  Then I went lunch today.

The table behind us had about 8 people seated together.  Since they all had the same Cro Magnon look about them I assumed they were related (and probably married).  Several of them had ordered lasagna, but of different varieties.  One with no meat, one with meat, and one with a meat-creme (LOL word fail!) sauce.  Yes, you can guess where this conversation went:

CM 1: "Does anyone want a piece of mine? This sauce is really good."
CM 2,3: "You bet!  That meat looks really good."

CM 1: "Okay.  Just hand me your plate and I'll scape a piece of mine onto yours.  Yeah, there we go.  Do you mind if my piece touches yours?"

CM 2: "It's fine.  It's all going to the same place anyway!" 

CM 3: "You want some of my meat to try?"  [Yes, actually said.]

CM 1: "Sure.  Mine is really hot right now.  Ouch!  Yeah, scalding.  I can't even put it in my mouth yet.  I'll just eat some of yours until mine cools off!  LOL!" 

CM 2: "Yeah, this is hot... good though.  I like the creme.  Did they say they make this with bacon grease?"

CM 1: "I think so.  She said they put a lot of meat together and grind it all up, then add the grease back in.  Tastes really good, whatever they did!"

CM 3: "I don't know... my meat one is pretty good.  Maybe I'll have to get both next time!"

CM 2: "Oh.  This is way better.  Do you want to swap?"

Etc., etc.  You can imagine me trying to not spit my own meat on the table as I listen to this blatant disregard for innuendo etiquette.  I mean seriously- do people not know what they're saying?

Luckily I captured this conversation early on, but how many times do you hear people talking and completely ignoring the rules of entendre?  Really.  Come on people.

You know, I'm trying to do a service here, but sometimes it feels like my warnings fall on deaf ears.

Now pass me my meat.

Meat.  Sheesh.

Caleb "You can't say meat safely hardly ever!" Shreves

Breaking news update!

On Fox News tonight, the hosts were talking about a failed NASA mission: Glory.

Anchor: "Here's a clip:  [audio] "we have had a contingency in the glory mission" okay folks, I'll pause for your jokes..."

Maybe someone finally IS getting this whole innuendo thing!

Thursday, February 3, 2011

February 2011: I Just Saw A Cougar!

That, friends, was a recent headline from a local newspaper.

"I just saw a cougar!" Really? Really, editors?

What choice do they have, though?  There really isn't an easier name to use than "cougar" when writing an article.  It would seem stuffy if the headline read:

"I recently sighted a puma concolor!"

A who?  What?  Exactly.  I don't blame the editors too much for this post, but maybe they could have buried the headline below the picture of the fearsome cougar-beast that graced the front pages.  Here it is if you don't believe me:


The point I'm trying to make is that newspapers are often faced with the task of reporting the news, but in a way that they have to use terribly inappropriate headlines.

So, for February, I am going to be honoring all of the worst (read: best) newspaper headlines I can find!  If you have any you want to share, send them to me. 

Oh, and don't forget the July edition of ITYM, which included a newspaper heading of:

"Tired Gay succumbs to Dix in 200 meters."  

Cuz that was awesome.

Luckily another site has already gone through the work of collecting inappropriate headlines HERE

So I don't have to rehash those.  I will, however, scan my local paper everyday just to see if anything new comes up.

Happy February!