Friday, May 28, 2010

June 2010: PlugThat Hole, Mr. President!

As you know, fellow 7th-grade-humor-perverts, our nation has a hole.
It's a massive hole. And, sadly, this hole is leaking. This nation is
watching helplessly as our wetlands are slowly covered in the sticky goo
that is gushing out of our massive hole, but so far we haven't even had
a little success in plugging our hole. Whether this gushing-hole
disaster was caused by man or merely an accident of God, we have spent
too much of our time pointing fingers at each other and at the hole
instead of figuring out whose responsibility it is to get way deep down
in there and put something in that hole to plug it up.

I was watching the news (okay, reading about it) and saw that this
hole-crisis has become our nation's top story. CBS's Chip Reid began
his evening report by saying, "Well, Harry [Smith], if there's one thing
the President made clear today it's that pressure to plug that hole is
coming from everywhere."

Is it ever. Chip Reid was referring to a portion of a press conference
yesterday in which President Obama said:

"Malia knocks on my bathroom door and she peeks in her head and she
says: 'Did you plug the hole yet, daddy?'"

Yes. Yes, she said it. And yes, he repeated it. Does the President
need the list? Any day now I'm expecting a call from the Obama
administration offering me the position of chief
innuendo-filterer-outer. Though I'm sure those guys will think of a
classier title than that, the basic premise of the job should be clear:
read through every speech, memo, email, etc. that the administration
sends out to make sure phrases like "did you plug the hole yet" are not
uttered without at least a fair amount of self-awareness.

Let the month begin!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

May 2010: Spreading, Keeping It Up, and Trotting Bareback

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Welcome aboard. Together we'll be taking a journey through the web, combing it for the most ridiculous innuendos we can find. This week officially starts on Monday, May 24th, but who's counting? We'll start each month off with a few gems, add to the list as we find them, and vote for the best-of-the-month "that's what she said" award.

Let's get to it, shall we?

It took me approximately 30 seconds to find the first three phrases for this week. The first two are decent (though all the more powerful when given their completely innocent source) but the third one was absolutely rancid. I seriously had to spend five minutes picking my favorite phrase off of this blog; go check it out!

Remember, these are all real (I'll quote sources), quoted exactly and without editing, and meant COMPLETELY innocently. Go!

#1: "because honestly, i work better spreading everything out." --

#2: "I really can't believe I've kept it up for so long, it's almost
shocking :)"

#3: "Hopefully he won't be lame anymore. Right now his stride is pretty
short and choppy. He's not totally lame or anything, just... Off. :-/
So, I've just been riding him lightly lately. Just walking and trotting
a little bareback, because he'll get totally out of shape if I just give
him time off for too long."

Keep em coming!