March 2011: I'll Try Your Meat

Yeah, I'm a bit late.  Fuck off.

Wait, wait.  Come back.  That was harsh, I know.  Let me start over?  I can haz do-over?

Ok.  I apologize for being a few days late.  It wasn't intentional; I was just struggling to think of what I wanted to focus on in March.  Then I went lunch today.

The table behind us had about 8 people seated together.  Since they all had the same Cro Magnon look about them I assumed they were related (and probably married).  Several of them had ordered lasagna, but of different varieties.  One with no meat, one with meat, and one with a meat-creme (LOL word fail!) sauce.  Yes, you can guess where this conversation went:

CM 1: "Does anyone want a piece of mine? This sauce is really good."
CM 2,3: "You bet!  That meat looks really good."

CM 1: "Okay.  Just hand me your plate and I'll scape a piece of mine onto yours.  Yeah, there we go.  Do you mind if my piece touches yours?"

CM 2: "It's fine.  It's all going to the same place anyway!" 

CM 3: "You want some of my meat to try?"  [Yes, actually said.]

CM 1: "Sure.  Mine is really hot right now.  Ouch!  Yeah, scalding.  I can't even put it in my mouth yet.  I'll just eat some of yours until mine cools off!  LOL!" 

CM 2: "Yeah, this is hot... good though.  I like the creme.  Did they say they make this with bacon grease?"

CM 1: "I think so.  She said they put a lot of meat together and grind it all up, then add the grease back in.  Tastes really good, whatever they did!"

CM 3: "I don't know... my meat one is pretty good.  Maybe I'll have to get both next time!"

CM 2: "Oh.  This is way better.  Do you want to swap?"

Etc., etc.  You can imagine me trying to not spit my own meat on the table as I listen to this blatant disregard for innuendo etiquette.  I mean seriously- do people not know what they're saying?

Luckily I captured this conversation early on, but how many times do you hear people talking and completely ignoring the rules of entendre?  Really.  Come on people.


You know, I'm trying to do a service here, but sometimes it feels like my warnings fall on deaf ears.

Now pass me my meat.

Meat.  Sheesh.

Caleb "You can't say meat safely hardly ever!" Shreves

Breaking news update!

On Fox News tonight, the hosts were talking about a failed NASA mission: Glory.

Anchor: "Here's a clip:  [audio] "we have had a contingency in the glory mission" okay folks, I'll pause for your jokes..."

Maybe someone finally IS getting this whole innuendo thing!

February 2011: I Just Saw A Cougar!

That, friends, was a recent headline from a local newspaper.

"I just saw a cougar!" Really? Really, editors?

What choice do they have, though?  There really isn't an easier name to use than "cougar" when writing an article.  It would seem stuffy if the headline read:

"I recently sighted a puma concolor!"

A who?  What?  Exactly.  I don't blame the editors too much for this post, but maybe they could have buried the headline below the picture of the fearsome cougar-beast that graced the front pages.  Here it is if you don't believe me:

Fearsome.  

The point I'm trying to make is that newspapers are often faced with the task of reporting the news, but in a way that they have to use terribly inappropriate headlines.

So, for February, I am going to be honoring all of the worst (read: best) newspaper headlines I can find!  If you have any you want to share, send them to me. 

Oh, and don't forget the July edition of ITYM, which included a newspaper heading of:

"Tired Gay succumbs to Dix in 200 meters."  

Cuz that was awesome.

Luckily another site has already gone through the work of collecting inappropriate headlines HERE

So I don't have to rehash those.  I will, however, scan my local paper everyday just to see if anything new comes up.

Happy February!

Caleb


PSPSPSPSPSPSPS!!!!!

Omg.

January 2011: I Captured A Booby!

Happy New Years!

Yes, it's a couple of days before Jan 1, but since I often put up posts after the 1st of the month I thought I would balance the force by posting early.

Sometimes in life you see shit that is funny and think "boy, golly, sure wish I had a picture of this to show someone else!" Well, from now on, we're going to get pictures.  And I'll start by uploading 3 of my recent favorites.

If you have/find good pics of funny stuff to send, just email them to me.  If they're funny (and real) I'll put them up here.  If they're funnier (and realer) than my pics here, I'll send you a $20 gift card.  Serious.

Just click my profile to get my email and send a jpg along with a story to explain where you saw it. "It" referring to whatever is in your picture.  Sorry, I realized that I ended that last sentence not good.  Shit!  Did it again!)

And don't try and send me something you dig up off the internet.  Trust me, I'll know if it's from the interweb.  I have actually scoured the entire internet and got to the end of it.  I can prove it because I saw this sign:

That being said, here are 3 awesome true-life pics.

#1 (Thanks, Krust!)

#2 (Thanks to Leetos for taking this picture for me!)

#3 While playing super-addictive brain games on http://www.lumosity.com/, I had to capture this screen image.  Indeed, website.  Indeed.

Happy New Year!

Peace out, girl scouts.

Caleb

Added Pics: 


#4 Thanks, Turtlegrl!  Technically this is from the (awesome) website: passiveaggressivenotes.com, but it's still worthy of entry.  Heh heh.... "worthy of entry."

December 2010: Name That Pervert!

'Ello Mates,

On my other blog I have shared with you the fantastic site, "Name of the Year." They pit the best (read: craziest) names -all verified as real- against each other each year in an NCAA-style bracket.  Check it out here.

As you would correctly assume, many of the names they collect are very, very dirty.  I've collected my 10 favorite dirty names from the site to share with you, and invite you to add any names of people you actually know.

For example, I work with a fellow named "Dick Burns."  True story.

Here, in no particular order, are the 10-perviest names in existence:

1. Dr. Speedy Nutz

2. Pamela Balls Organista

3. Charity Beaver

4. Doby Crotchtangle

5. Princess Nocandy

6. Gordon Cobbledick

7. Fuk King Kwok

8. Gay Straite

9. Gay Horney

10. Chinny Offor

And one special shout-out to one of my all-time favorites (and winner of
the 2004 NOTY competition):

Jew Don Boney Jr.

Merry Christmas, all!  May your stockings get stuffed and your milk be drank!

Caleb "yeah, I said that." Shreves

November 2010: Dirty Law

Yo.

Check out this class gift from the 2010 Brooklyn Law students to themselves.

Sometimes I feel like I'm all alone in the "everything sounds dirty to me" world.  Not so.  While it appears an entire class of supposedly intelligent people thought that this motto was appropriate, there was at least one person who had the innuendo wherewithal to point out the obvious phallic overtones of this sign.

I think that I may just print out a few dozen "that's what she said" signs and have them handy for occasions just like this.  In fact, maybe a business card sized message would be more convenient.  I could just go around all day, and whenever I hear or see a blatant innuendo offense I could either hand the person the card or paste it up near the offending sign.  What say you?  Good idea?

I could create my own line of cards and sell them to trained innuendo-spotters.  Maybe offer a course first.  Lots of ideas here. 

On a related note, I'd like to mention that several of my friends who ordinarily do not have dirty minds have all started watching what they say. 

One friend: "my arm is getting stronger all the time; I just have to keep playing with it and build up endurance.  Caleb, let it go."  She said that last bit before I could even chime in with anything!

Another blogger: "... my nerdy habits [that include] partitioning my hard drive- and no, perverts, that's not some dirty innuendo!"  Good catch.  And that was a bit of a difficult innuendo.

I postulate that it doesn't take a lot of people to be trained in innuendo-ery.  (awesome word Caleb! Thanks, Caleb!)  One person can affect the habits of dozens of their family and friends!

So keep on keepin' on, pervs.  I love you all.

Caleb "insert witty thing here" Shreves

October 2010: Dirty Coffee

All right- I'm a little late.  Fuck off.

You know I love the Keurig coffee-maker.  If you don't have one, go get one.  Anyway, when I try new coffees I like to read their descriptions on the keurig website.  Because I'm a savvy shopper?  Fuck no. Here's what you do: pretend that, instead of coffee, the descriptions are from girls that just gave a BJ:  Here's a few samples:

"This flavor is wonderful. Just what is needed as the weather gets a little colder. What a pick me up!" [Indeed it is...]

• Attractive Mouthfeel/Body
• Exceptional/Interesting Flavor
• Pleasing Aroma
• Smooth Taste 

"vey wonderful with a real cream creamer.. taste just a liquid Pumpkin pie. I love it and this has become Hubby's favorite out of all flavors."  [The hubby likes it too?  You guys must have a special relationship.]

"My favorite to wake up with each morning."  [Me too?]

 "Solid blend. Just enough flavor and NO bitter after taste. Very smooth!" [Girls hate bitter aftertaste, right?]

"I did not enjoy this at all. I will admit I have had worse, but if you are like me and like somethings on the bold side, do not get this. I let my wife try it because she does not like the bold stuff and she even said it tastes like water. It has zero flavor. If you like drinking hot water I recommend this to you."   [Man- you gotta have some pride in your stuff!]

"Got this for my mother. This is all she will drink. She would highly recommend it."  [Um... Merry Christmas?]

You get the drift. Check it out!  Great way to kill a half-hour.

Caleb out.

September 2010: The Government And Their Hot Packages

Pervs,

Well, it's September, which means the Government is busy ramping up their end-of-the-year budget deadlines (Government fiscal year ends in October).  With the increased email traffic going around, I thought it a good idea to dedicate September's post to the constant stream of entendres (that's not 'entendru' btw) that spew forth from the Government.

Got one of my favorites today.  This is an ACTUAL EMAIL forwarded out to hundreds, maybe thousands of Government employees today.  Not making this up:

"All,
Please make every effort to get your packages (the ones that will become HOT tomorrow) into the front office today!

Thanks."

True story.  My friend claims that she will now be referring to her "hoo-hah" as "the front office."

Second, there is a new system coming to our installation soon.  They have big electronic signs up with helpful "words of the day" to get ready for the system's deployment.  The word of the day last week?  "Backflushing." 

Right.

Third: As you probably know, the Government is fond of acronyms (VLIPS probably comes to mind as a favorite).  They have a new one that is my current favorite:  MUFFIN.  Seriously.  And, to top it off, if you're having problems accessing MUFFIN, you can call the MUFFIN hotline.

Yes, we will be drunk dialing the MUFFIN hotline very soon.


"Hi, MUFFIN hotline.  How can I help you?"
"Yes, um, have you seen The Man?"
"The man?"
"Yes- the MUFFIN man.  He lives on Drury lane."